My Secret Dream Lover who Hates Me

It is now less then 22 days until I move to Hawaii-for those of you who are not aware (most of you) I am relocating to the small town where I went to college just after the new year. When asked why I have been giving a sufficiently vague reply along the lines of "I've been in a rut and need to shake some things up". And that is true. But the real truth, the latent reason is that I just plain can't shake the heartbreak.
      It's now been 5 and 1/2 months since my ex and I separated. almost 1/3 of the total time we were together. And yet, not a day passes I don't feel the ache of his loss. Just this week I dreamed of him twice, and those dreams are so much worse then the ones I had before. At first in the dreams we got back together and were incandescently in love, but in the dreams I have had of him in the past month or so he is either completely indifferent to me or portrays a repulsion toward me. Dreams aren't real, in the material sense, but never let anyone tell you they have no substance. Because after something has ended, dreams are the only continuing memory you have of the situation. For example the memories I have of K.N., first loving me, then gently letting me go are now tainted by memories of him hating me and expressing disgust for the love I now only express to him in dreams.
      K.N., the man the real life human being is still living his life, growing, feeling joy, and doesn't hate me. But that K.N. is no longer an element in my life. I will never know this new and developing man. I am left with the cruel apparitions of my imagination, that is my ultimate reality. And this new K.N., lets call him K.D. is an enemy, a stalker, a malevolent demon whose one objective is to hurt me and undermine my healing.
      So needless to say, K.N. is never far from my thoughts. Pride alone is what has kept me from contacting him. But over the last two weeks I have indulged in a dark and destructive fantasy. In this fantasy I call him up, ask him to meet me for a drink, I give him a gift, seduce him, for what? In each version I have a different motivation. In one carnation I do this to get him out of my system before I move. In another we realize we are still in love with one another and I stay in Michigan and live happily ever after. And in yet another I hook him, cause him to feel, then drop him flat leaving the as the victorious and oh-so desirable heartbreaker.
  
  But.....lezbi-honest.

     I am the one who loved before. I am the one who was hurt. And I am the one who would be hurt again.
     I find no shame in admitting I wish I could crush his heart. Now that my relationship with K.D. has twisted my love into this sick, deformed power struggle, I seek to hurt the poor imperfect man who made some honest mistakes and shattered my heart. The ultimate irony, he has no clue the time and effort I put into thoughts of him. While he has forgotten that I ever existed. And all because he never had the emotional strength and maturity to understand this quote from C.S. Lewis