Relationship Rant or Why people need to stop telling me it'll be ok

     We broke up. Words I have never had to say before. Because until a year and a half ago I had always been alone. Every prom, every Christmas, every Valentines, birthday, camping trip, formal dance, rainy day, sick day, snow day and Saturday. I had been alone. I am so bad at attracting people that last year I told my mom that I didnt think I'd ever get married and she actually agreed with me. Thats why when a year and a half ago when I met him on a spring break trip I took with some still college age girlfriends of mine the last thing I was expecting was that I'd meet someone.
      Four days after we got back from vacation it was St. Patricks day and he picked me up to go out to celebrate. He came to my front door. It was just the two of us. I had so never dated that in the car on the way to the piano bar I had to ask him "Wait, is this a date?"

     That St. Patty's Date was the beginning of the closest bond I have had with any human ever. My own mother knows less about me then he does. Although there were obstacles that I knew were there from the moment I met him he was impossible not to love. I truely believed that with enough love we'd be able to fiure it out. That's why people need to stop telling me it'll be ok. Stop telling me we just weren't right for each other. Don't tell me that someday I will find someone else and it will be wonderful and everything will be perfect.
     I KNOW we weren't right! I'm the one who realized it! But now I am expected, a few short weeks before my 25th birthday to start over again? I thought he was the man I would marry. I was so content and pitied my single friends who had to peacock and throw themselves on the meat market that is dating week after week. I was so grateful that that would never be me again, I was through parading myself around for the oh so public rejection of shallow tools and douche bags who couldn't pick a good woman out of a line up. Everyone knows all the good men are already taken.
    I have traveled, I have been independent. I've had my adventures. Frankly I am ready to be married and lay next to the one man I will sleep with for the rest of my life. To be back where I was when I was 16 is disheartening and embittering.

I am ANGRY.

I don't have the strength or the courage to start all over again. I never realized how lonely and sad my life was until I was no longer alone. I thanked God everyday for finally giving me someone to give my heart to. I truly felt magnified as a woman and a person being one half of a greater whole. I feel torn in two and I have no right to ever again be with the other half of myself that I am being robbed of.

I would equate this feeling to grief over a death. The death of every dream, ever plan I have made for over a year of my life. I miss him, But I know that I need to keep to myself and allow him to move on. That is the worst pain of all. Stopping myself from calling or driving over when the end to my suffering seems to near and easy. It's just not right.

That is my rant. Now I want to sleep.