Thy Will O Lord Be Done

I was the only non-pregnant, unmarried woman in the room. But I was in fact, a woman. That realization was one that had been baffling me for months. 21 years old...I guess chronology alone makes one a woman by default--regardless of maturity, preperation, or achievement. But I digress. Ah yes, preggies, crackers and cheese, Birth Plans and nipple chafing; that's what I was talking about.

My internship got off to a slow start the first week or so. But now that I was digging in and getting my hands dirty, I suspected that things would pick up rapidly. We'll see. If nothing I am more sure than ever that this: psychology, therapy, advising, teaching, social work: this is where I belong.

Sitting in Devotional earlier in the day I realized the great arrogance I had been nurturing for months. The speaker's topic stood out to me; the Sister addressed finding and heeding the Lord's will in our lives. I realized: who the hell am I for having thought I was above the spirit and the Atonement? And how the heck had I gotten to this point? I miss my testimony. I miss the direction it always gave me.

I have been drifting and lost for months and frankly, that scares the shit out of me.

Now that I am opening my eyes again, things that were once automatic processes now feel like I have to learn them again fresh. It's like the quitting smoking commercials where the woman cant seem to get dressed without a cigarette in her hand. I always knew. I always believed in the Lord--I was valiant about my faith even. But now, I feel the stain of transgression weighing on my most delicate and ancient nerves. Soiled.

When did I decide I could do it better than God? When did I begin mentally patting my more spiritual friends on the head in condescension. Am I so far out to sea even now, that I cannot even envy them anymore. I cannot remember how to want God.












I think that means I need God more than ever.