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Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Why I Didn't Wait

A friend on facebook, posted a link to a blog post that struck me deeply and personally. The blog is called "Grace for the Road" and the post was about the turmoil of waiting for the husband every girl was promised as a young woman.

I want to pull a few quotes and comment:

"It’s a graveyard of hearts, this place where single church girls crash into their late 20s and early 30s. Churches see the symptoms. They scramble to reach out to the ever-growing young adult singles crowd who feels alienated by family-oriented services."

   Church used to be a safe place to be. Its where I was able to visit family, impress the older members with all the exciting accomplishment in my life, and hangout with friends with whom i would make exciting plans for the next week. It was a safe place with relevant lesson topics for my life.
   Then in college, I was in student wards comprised completely of single people all in my age bracket and on the same life course I was. And if the emphasis of the activities was a bit heavy on the concept of "find a mate and get married" oh well. The boys were cute and fun to flirt with anyway.
   But as soon as I graduated and moved home, church became a very different place. Suddenly the older ladies seemed less interested in my life and more nosy. Their questions about what I was doing with my life, and was I dating anyone became painful. Gradually as the years passed the questions faded and have become replaced by looks of pity and stilted suggestions on where, how, when to meet single LDS guys, or worse, for ways to fill all that free time I have since I don't have a husband and children to take care of.
    Meetings are long, painful, inapplicable repetitions on being a good mother, a supportive wife, on preparing your home, attending the temple, etc. It's hard to be a good wife when you don't even know any single men, let alone one who would have you. And the crop of local, attractive, single LDS guys who are old enough for this 25yr old in my area is barren.

"There are a lot of girls out there who don’t know who God is anymore – the God of their youth group years just isn’t working out. Back then, that God said to wait for sex until they are married, until He brings the right man along for a husband. They signed a card and put it on the altar and pledged to wait. And wait they did....And waited and waited and waited.
   Some of them have prayed their whole lives for a husband, and he hasn’t shown up. They’ve heard the advice to “be the woman God made you to be, focus on that, and then the husband will come.” They’ve read “Lady in Waiting,” gotten super involved in church and honed their domestic skills.
   And still they wait.
   More than a decade ago, a youth leader handed them a photocopied poem in Sunday School written to them from “God” that said, “The reason you don’t have anyone yet is because you’re not fully satisfied in Me. You have to be satisfied with Me and then when you least expect it, I’ll bring you the person I meant for you.”"
 But many of them – if they’re honest – will tell you that time has passed, and it’s wrecking their view of God. If this is who God’s supposed to be, then He’s tragically late. So some decide to chuck “Lady in Waiting” out the window … and possibly their virginity with it. Church goes next. God might go next, too. If He doesn’t answer these prayers after they’ve held up their end of the bargain, why would He answer any others?"
 This has been the battle I've waged over the past 4 years. I never consciously diagnosed what went wrong or when it happened. But somewhere along the way I became disheartened, disenchanted, and disillusioned. I quit going to church, I began making choices that robbed me of spiritual sensitivity

Quotes taken from

My Secret Dream Lover who Hates Me

It is now less then 22 days until I move to Hawaii-for those of you who are not aware (most of you) I am relocating to the small town where I went to college just after the new year. When asked why I have been giving a sufficiently vague reply along the lines of "I've been in a rut and need to shake some things up". And that is true. But the real truth, the latent reason is that I just plain can't shake the heartbreak.
      It's now been 5 and 1/2 months since my ex and I separated. almost 1/3 of the total time we were together. And yet, not a day passes I don't feel the ache of his loss. Just this week I dreamed of him twice, and those dreams are so much worse then the ones I had before. At first in the dreams we got back together and were incandescently in love, but in the dreams I have had of him in the past month or so he is either completely indifferent to me or portrays a repulsion toward me. Dreams aren't real, in the material sense, but never let anyone tell you they have no substance. Because after something has ended, dreams are the only continuing memory you have of the situation. For example the memories I have of K.N., first loving me, then gently letting me go are now tainted by memories of him hating me and expressing disgust for the love I now only express to him in dreams.
      K.N., the man the real life human being is still living his life, growing, feeling joy, and doesn't hate me. But that K.N. is no longer an element in my life. I will never know this new and developing man. I am left with the cruel apparitions of my imagination, that is my ultimate reality. And this new K.N., lets call him K.D. is an enemy, a stalker, a malevolent demon whose one objective is to hurt me and undermine my healing.
      So needless to say, K.N. is never far from my thoughts. Pride alone is what has kept me from contacting him. But over the last two weeks I have indulged in a dark and destructive fantasy. In this fantasy I call him up, ask him to meet me for a drink, I give him a gift, seduce him, for what? In each version I have a different motivation. In one carnation I do this to get him out of my system before I move. In another we realize we are still in love with one another and I stay in Michigan and live happily ever after. And in yet another I hook him, cause him to feel, then drop him flat leaving the as the victorious and oh-so desirable heartbreaker.

     I am the one who loved before. I am the one who was hurt. And I am the one who would be hurt again.
     I find no shame in admitting I wish I could crush his heart. Now that my relationship with K.D. has twisted my love into this sick, deformed power struggle, I seek to hurt the poor imperfect man who made some honest mistakes and shattered my heart. The ultimate irony, he has no clue the time and effort I put into thoughts of him. While he has forgotten that I ever existed. And all because he never had the emotional strength and maturity to understand this quote from C.S. Lewis

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Tubing with Toolbags

I spent the weekend in a small town called Big Rapids an hour north of my city. I was tagging along with my best friend who was being taken by a guy she's kind of almost dating. We went tubing with a group of his friends on the Muskegon River and really had a nice time. The weather was hot, the sun was bright, the river refreshing. All in all we had a lot of fun. The problem was that the two guys we were with were ultimate A**holes.
     They felt the need to call my friend and I (girls they were supposedly trying to impress) "hooker" "ho" and even worse epithets as if they were our names. Dropping those words causally into conversations as if they are commonplace titular nouns.
Picture courtesy of the Grand Rapids Press
     Maybe it's my age, maybe it's the fact that I have now been in a relationship with a real man who knew how to treat women with affection, respect, and appropriate humor but I had less then no patience with the immaturity of our host and his friend. Our host, btw is no less then 30 years old. I believe there are solid reasons that a man is thirty, single, and still hangs out with college students. Later that night we were kicked out of a bar where my friend and I were sipping water because our host and his friend rang up a $91 tab between the two of them, became stupid drunk and tried to start a fist fight with another patron.
    The conclusion of the weekend is that I am wildly underwhelmed by the behavior, attitude and savoir faire of these two charmers. I ended my very mature relationship for what again?

Sometimes men are completely oblivious.

*     *     *
The tubing was great! the Company "Sawmill Tube & Canoe livery" was laid back, the staff friendly. Basic black tubes $10, nicer green tubes with head rests and cupholders $15.  Visit for rates, dates, and information

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Relationship Rant or Why people need to stop telling me it'll be ok

     We broke up. Words I have never had to say before. Because until a year and a half ago I had always been alone. Every prom, every Christmas, every Valentines, birthday, camping trip, formal dance, rainy day, sick day, snow day and Saturday. I had been alone. I am so bad at attracting people that last year I told my mom that I didnt think I'd ever get married and she actually agreed with me. Thats why when a year and a half ago when I met him on a spring break trip I took with some still college age girlfriends of mine the last thing I was expecting was that I'd meet someone.
      Four days after we got back from vacation it was St. Patricks day and he picked me up to go out to celebrate. He came to my front door. It was just the two of us. I had so never dated that in the car on the way to the piano bar I had to ask him "Wait, is this a date?"

     That St. Patty's Date was the beginning of the closest bond I have had with any human ever. My own mother knows less about me then he does. Although there were obstacles that I knew were there from the moment I met him he was impossible not to love. I truely believed that with enough love we'd be able to fiure it out. That's why people need to stop telling me it'll be ok. Stop telling me we just weren't right for each other. Don't tell me that someday I will find someone else and it will be wonderful and everything will be perfect.
     I KNOW we weren't right! I'm the one who realized it! But now I am expected, a few short weeks before my 25th birthday to start over again? I thought he was the man I would marry. I was so content and pitied my single friends who had to peacock and throw themselves on the meat market that is dating week after week. I was so grateful that that would never be me again, I was through parading myself around for the oh so public rejection of shallow tools and douche bags who couldn't pick a good woman out of a line up. Everyone knows all the good men are already taken.
    I have traveled, I have been independent. I've had my adventures. Frankly I am ready to be married and lay next to the one man I will sleep with for the rest of my life. To be back where I was when I was 16 is disheartening and embittering.


I don't have the strength or the courage to start all over again. I never realized how lonely and sad my life was until I was no longer alone. I thanked God everyday for finally giving me someone to give my heart to. I truly felt magnified as a woman and a person being one half of a greater whole. I feel torn in two and I have no right to ever again be with the other half of myself that I am being robbed of.

I would equate this feeling to grief over a death. The death of every dream, ever plan I have made for over a year of my life. I miss him, But I know that I need to keep to myself and allow him to move on. That is the worst pain of all. Stopping myself from calling or driving over when the end to my suffering seems to near and easy. It's just not right.

That is my rant. Now I want to sleep.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Thrifty Treasures

    I am a long time second/third/even fourth han enthusiast. The more liitle old grannys who have worn, used, and discarded an item the more I covet it.
   I was introduced to the best consignment shop this week. Love's Treasures (Love Inc.) of Jenison, MI is run for charity as all the best thrift stores are. And while the "shoppe" in the front is nicely arranged and well stocked, it is the out back warehouse that has me raving.
   Due to changing situations in my own life I have been thinking more and more about the difficulty (read as price) of furnishing a home, be it mansion or studio apartment. Furnishing is something I've never had to do as all my apartments in college came already completely funished-bed and all. I can't even imagine the cost if I had to start from scratch at say Sears. It would take me three years to save for a bedroom set.
   Not so if you go the consignment route. sofas $50, matched wing chairs $40 each. Antique bed frames for only $30! I even found an old wood dresser/vanity combination complete with huge mirror on top for only $50.
   In the end I walked out with nothing more then a beautiful white mosquito net (normally $50+) and item I have been shopping for for years. But I know that once the time comes for me to begin filling my own nest, I will steer clear or pricy department stores and seek for treasures at second-hand shops.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Valentines: 52 Reasons to do this craft!

HOKAY, SO.......
I got all up in the face of Valentines Day this year. My enthusiasm reached Martha Stewartian proportions, and my ambitions knew no limits. Maybe it's because this is the first time in my life I've had a sweetheart to spoil, but I was totally feeling the Hallmark Spirit.

52 Valentine Pick-Up
  This is an Idea I got from the Wonderful World of Pinterest. The entire project cost me less then $1 (though I was fortunate enough to have almost every supply needed right at home already)
              - 1 Deck of regular playing cards
              - 6 Sheets of Card Stock
              - Hand held, or 3 ring hole punch
              - 2 Large metal loose leaf book binding rings (or scraps of ribbon can be used to bind them)
              - Tacky Glue, stickers, glitter, etc.

Think up and typ out 52 things you love/appreciate about your special someone> It could be a grandparent, roommate, spouse etc.; in my case it was my boyfriend. These things can be funny or serious, I found my list to be a mix of funny, sexy, sincere, and a lot of inside jokes. After you've compiled your list, put each reason into boxes that are roughly 2"x3" using your favorite word processesing program (Microsoft Word, publisher...), I put a dashed border around mine, you can find templates for it online, but I preferred to design my own. Make a couple extra squares for the covers.
When satisified: print, cut squares apart, and glue one square on the face of each card. I used tacky glue and a q-tip, aside from being time consuming, it worked really well
 next is the hard part: using the hole punch punch 2 evenly spaced holes through the entire deck. make sure all the holes line up as close as possible. Finally decorate frugally with stickers, glitter, whatever, put in whatever order you prefer, slide rings through holes and VOILA present to the object of your affection!

The REAL gift is how wonderful you will feel making this craft. I found myself smiling and chuckling to myself while I thought up creative even naughty "reasons". I remembered so many little wonderful things about my boyfriend, things that I had forgotten we had done together, that he had done for me. It brought us closer together and he was really touched by the little details I notice and the time I spent telling him why he is wonderful. Its a hardy little scrap book of sorts, and I can see my adding another deck with 52 MORE reasons sometime in the near future, there is always his birthday...

Monday, February 27, 2012

Made: I Wanna be a Trucker

"Uh, yeah, that's a big 10-4 Pig-Pen,
Yeah, we definitely got us the front door good buddy,
Mercy sakes alive, looks like we got us a convoy..."
The day starts early in the life of a scrap hauler. Or so my one day "on the road" has qualified me to suppose. My first adventure in trying to discover the secret of the American soul is to try my hand at "Truckin". So at 5am this morning, I climbed into the passenger seat of a twenty year old Kenworth Semi cab and began my observation.

  But the most important moment of the day is when I asked THE QUESTION

You've all wondered. You've all speculated. as you watch a truck pass with what appears mere inches to spare. what if it hits? Will the bridge collapse? Will we all be crushed? But how many people who have never driven a truck have taken the time to ask: "What do you do when you are on the highway and come to an overpass that's too low? What happens?" As much as I want to share the answer with you it is one secret of the Trucking world I have sworn to keep. Perhaps someday you too will have the opportunity to ride in a semi. And maybe you too will learn the great secrets of the trucker.